Those beautiful words make me want never to stop crying. The pain tears you apart and still you don’t want to lose this daily pain. This pain is the pain you are living for.
I wish that you could get a glimpse of my inner feelings. I really wish that you could see them, because maybe you would understand, understand why I became like this…
You know…I woke up with a smile today. So…weird. I felt like smiling at you when you tried to insult me once again. The surprise in your eyes…made me smile even more.
The air, breathe it in and breathe it out. Feeling so high, but still on the floor. Sometimes I just forget why I taste, why I breathe. Sure, watch me going down. Sure, look at me falling, flying, escaping, dying. Sometimes the only thing I wish for is death.
I took a shower, trying to wash away the worries, the dirt, the hate, the guilt. Nothing helps. It’s an addict like heroine. The deeper you stick the needle in your vein, the deeper the thoughts and gone is your pain.
You’re just another pretty face without meaning.
You’re just another pretty face amongst other whores.
You used to be a naïve little kid.
You think you are so much better now than before.
You’re not.
You just made a mess of yourself,
of everything.
You forgot.
You forgot what real beauty contains.
You’re simply two faced.
You’re just a fuckin’ mess
---
I gotta admit that I'm a little bit confused.
Sometimes it seems to me as if I'm just being used.
Gotta stay awake, gotta try and shake off this creeping malaise.
If I don't stand my own ground, how can I find my way out of this maze?
- Pink Floyd, 1976
---
I am not perfect. I am not innocent. I sometimes am unable to resist the sweet taste of sin as well, but my heart’s not blackened.
I see beauty…
In the fragile girl hiding in the shadows,
so fragile that the sun may burn her.
In that man,
who owns my heart.
In the boy who can’t help but slitting in his wrists,
'cause the world was not made for him.
In flowers,
which drown in the rain.
In a marriage,
of two people with the same gender.
In the wind,
blowing all worries away.
In people,
who fight for what they believe in.
---
So please stop crying.
When you’re feeling small,
when there are tears in your eyes,
I’m there,
I’ll dry them all.
---
Is there anyone who can see it?
There is still beauty…
In that single flower that blooms in the dusty desert.
It's not begging for attention,
It's not being afraid of being alone,
It's not because you need a shoulder to lean on,
It's not because you want to feel useful or loved,
It's not because you need sex,
It's not because you want to feel needed by someone,
It's no fucking obsession!
I'm in love with him, I always have been in love with him.
And I know the reason is the person himself.
And, I wonder how many people love like that. I thought it was only natural, but maybe it isn't.
I am not perfect myself, but I know that, what depends love, I am not pathetic.
Because my love for him is real.
I’m coming up in the dark and every part of me is bruised and raw and pained. How would life be without this daily pain? Like Julia without Romeo? Like music without sound?
Yes, every part of me is loose and sore and stained. Yes I knew I was falling, growing small, but I couldn’t stop. Yes, you tortured me, you caused me pain. I knew I was screaming, breaking into little pieces, but I couldn’t stop. Yes, I knew I was disappearing…
Yeah it’s a cruel, mean, cold new day. In the night he saw their faces, insatiable smiles. It is tearing him apart. Fear is everywhere. I want you near me, to kill my fears. Please, cover me with your soul.
I am always fading, always dying, bringing tears, tasting blood. I will run until my last breath. The first words I heard of this world.
You don’t give a fuck about what anyone else is, you don’t give a fuck what they say or they do. I know you can take it or leave it. You are as you feel in your own way, in your own dead way.
Yes, do it. One last time before it’s over, one last time before the end, one last time before it’s time to go…again. It’s immutable, insufferable, incalculable….yeah!
Do you want to fall with me?
I am sitting here in the dark.
The song on the radio suddenly seems so far away, when lost in the waves of my choking thoughts.
“See the animal in his cage….”
.... I wish you were here with me, right now. I’d like to hear your voice ....
I need something or someone to calm me down.
Not by hurting myself.
No more medicine.
Nor the suicidal dreams.
I don’t want to feel lonely. I don't want to feel hated.
I’d like to be hugged, cuddled and loved.
I want my guitar, hear its soft voice and fall asleep with it.
I don’t want these tears on my face.
I don’t want to have these dark feelings again…
… that I am not worthy to live.
I want to drown myself in music instead ...
Softly singing.
I hold on to you, just hold on to me.
Don’t run away, don’t go, don’t stop, just stay…together we will fade away.
Is what I feel, all those things….creations of my own? Am I living in an illusion of my mind? I keep on looking, but I can’t find the right words.
In my mind, there’s going something blank. I am breaking apart once again.
Right now, I just feel numb.
Dumb.
I am a thing,
Shattered to pieces.
Blown up.
Torn apart.
Broken.
Not worth repairing.
I am something of yesterday, thrown away today ....
The doctors told me that it'd be good for me to keep a journal, that it'll help me, so here we are.
Don't expect to come here and try to read too much into my personal life, because any names I'm gonna use in this journal, save for my own, are not the actual names of my loved ones and others whom I may write about, for their protection. This diary is for me to release any of my thoughts about my life, whether good or bad. I'll try to keep this thing updated as best as I can, but don't expect much.
